No.689
Right after I turned 18, I was arrested for CP I downloaded when I was 17. I never did anything IR, nor did I ever feel the urge to- I was just a degenerate coomer and watched a bunch of other fucked up porn as well. Got put on the registry then probation. Skip to later in my last year of high school, I had ruined all of my relationships, got addicted to xanax, almost died a couple times, got institutionalized a few times, did a lot of shit during blackouts to embarrass myself, and almost didn't graduate. Went to community college for a semester and dropped out due to my apathy. I smoked a lot of weed and just became a neet shut-in for a while. Had a dissociative episode while once and got arrested in another state, but got let off.. Started to use other shit again, did an outpatient rehab, got manic, drank myself back into the hospital, Got out and did outpatient hospitalization, got arrested for stealing and possession while i was barred out. Went to rehab, got a slap on the wrist without a VOP for the charge, got my first job since 18, had a relapse for a while but caught myself before it got bad. I got manic again, got involved with a girl a few years younger then me (legal but frowned upon, it's a loving relationship though and everybody approves), got into carding (with little success), then went through a period of paranoia and delusions. Thought I was being blackmailed, or watched by the cops, or was gonna get fucked over by the cops at some point. I was basically showing symptoms of mld schizophrenia, but they subsided. I stuck with the girl and am still with her, and really did a lot of self improvement too. I can even use drink and do some drugs and control myself with them. I had a lot of "degenerate" experiences over that time, made a lot of passing friends, and got involved with a lot of women (many older), Over those years, I really deprogrammed my anti-social tendencies, and I think I'm a decent person now. Was also on a litany of psych meds (none helped, except still on two), but my views on mental illness have changed, and are more in line what Deleuze spoke about. I've almost 100% stopped caring about what people might think, and any measures by which society may judge me and my lifestyle; I'm borderline solipsistic at this point, but it's a good thing for me. I'm still real fucking depressed, but I'm getting by and my life has improved overall. I attribute a lot of my progress to psychedelics.