Man, it's a nightmare I tell you wot - last year I spent all of May shoving a shotgun in my mouth and trying to pull it faster than I could think "what if I survive?"
Because last time, years ago, it seemed like a sure thing - I was all ready to die, chemicals attained, and I shoved myself full of them but then I woke up and I have kept waking up since then and it's always horrible. If I survive a bullet somehow, that's even worse - the chances are so slim, 1% or so, but I've fucked everything else up… I seem to beat the odds at fucking everything else up, yeah, is it really so far fetched to think I might "beat the odds" fucking this up?
So I've reverted to chemicals, but now I really don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe to try and have 1 good day before I end it, which is stupid, it's a waste of time, I shouldn't bother - but I'm bothering anyway, it's a bit dumb.