No.9483
For me both were fucked in different ways, my mom less so.
Grew up in a rural village. Father was an electrician by trade, but never really had a proper job for long "hustled" aka. worked for free so people would outwardly approve in the village.
He was often drunk, a typical "manly man" image, hunter, always on the go.
He beat me often, most of my major holidays like birthdays and Christmass are filled with these beatings because usually those were the days he would be home for the longest.
He had high expectations for me, but clearly favored my younger sister, probably because I wasn't like him at all super outgoing, knows everyone, talks to everyone, I'm like my mother, extremely introverted.
He would drag us around all the time to show us off, show how "good of a father" he is, everything done for outsiders approval.
I was literally starving at home alone when my mother was in the hospital about to give birth to my sister…
He would also spend the money mother earned on cigarettes and his phone bill, because for whatever reason he would be on it 24/7 with other village folk or buddies. This was at a time where you paid a lot per minute and sms.
He likely had some sort of ADHD, probably the only thing I inherited as he had a lot of things he would do, but never complete.
Two major events that warped me greatly are related to this loser as well.
I was always a bullied kid, you know being malnourished leaves you looking like a skelly with skin on and you also tend to be smaller overall, I to this day look weirdly underdeveloped in some ways.
The bullying was harsh, to the point where even teachers started doing it to gain the approval of the class.
At one point after a session of humiliation going home some giant gypsy kid smashed my head into the wall.
It was bad enough, I was crying real loud, end of school in the yard, basically the entire village worth of kids there, father shows up…
Ends up telling the entire school and the bullies that they did a good job and should continue to do so. Congratulating them in front of everyone.
Even the teacher was astonished, shocked even. It was the first time that teacher ever cared for me too, took a 180 in her behavior afterwards.
This event warped me to an insane degree. I was never the same after. It to this day feels like most of my emotions aside from anger, hate and sadness got muted almost completely since that.
A core memory for sure. The feeling of absolute betrayal… Not like I expected much, but this was beyond anything.
The second major life event was a couple years before the divorce. My parents once again had a nice loud argument that ended up with my father holding a knife at my mothers throat.
Me and my sister begged him not to do it and since he was sober he relented.
I had some sort of PTSD as a result of all this I think, barely could sleep alone, afraid of the dark until my mid 20s I had images of my father coming to kill us all in my mind every night even after living further away.
I mean he was armed and did shit like shoot our dog in front of us because it had poor behavior (as a result of frequent beatings…)
This fool lives for the outside while viewing his family as a set of tools even later in life. Somehow reconnected with my sister and she has been a thrall ever since. Rather hilarious seeing him use her despite warnings.
Based on what I know and he told about his childhood this personality mostly stems from an inferiority complex instilled by his father.
He hated him so much yet still slaved for approval as the old fart was dying.
My mother was basically peer pressured into this marriage, had been brought up neglected and poor, but "face" mattered in a village.
Mom often mentioned he liked some other guy, but it is what it is. She was abused by the extended family on my fathers side a lot, she had to work harsh jobs to make ends meet.
Also beaten sometimes, not as often as me. She had a horrible childhood honestly, maybe worse or equal to mine, despite being a succubus.
Has a lot of trauma, repeats things a lot, but as a result of not wanting us to suffer she self sacrificed a lot, too much even for us.
Often would sperg out and throw the martyrdom at our head, but then would regret it later. Honestly I'm surprised she didn't break from all of this. Only reason she didn't kill herself was for us.
The problem is that this is not healthy for a child on any level.
As I could never do wrong, yet she often berated or nitpicked my sister to insanity.
I wasted a decade "going to college" (pretending basically) like the Welcome to the NHK guy and I was still the golden child. My sister finished college on a scholarship and whatnot.
She would also nitpick my one and only friend in the village at the time, alienating us forever after one instance where my friend "failed to greet her" (read… she didn't hear it because my friend usually muttered to himself)
Anyways after the divorce she provided me with enough comfort, so I don't really hate her.
I still live with her, I'm fully taken care of, can keep my entire pay for myself and she has mellowed out a lot too.
I think she sees herself a lot in me. I look a lot more like her than my dad too.
Maybe motherly instincts and this sense of comradery of the broken is conducive to enabling a manchild.
TL:DR; I legitimately regret not killing my father by taking one of his guns from the perma-open safe when I was a kid and I'm somewhat grateful to my mother for letting me be what I am undisturbed for the most part.