No.8960
its 2am rn, woke up not too long ago. i ran out of venlafaxine the other day and had some trouble getting my refill, so i've been dealing with some slight withdrawal. had some instant ramen; tried twice to brew some coffee, and both times turned out shit, so i gave up and grabbed a can of soda water instead. i honestly hate soda water, but for whatever reason, i've had quite a few these last few days.
it's been hard to do much at all during my time awake. back when I was in school, my grades were shit, mostly because my will to achieve academically was long gone by then. occasionally, i did do homework, just because it was something to do. there was still some mild pleasant sensation that came when i worked, which is why despite having all D's and C's, i still opted to work rather than play games many nights. now, that sensation is all but gone. i work because if I didn't, i think i might die. most days, that isn't much of an incentive.
the day feels like it's lost all meaning, and i feel more hollow than ever. sometimes I read, study, this and that, in some futile attempt to earn back some of my soul, but it all feels like nothing more than a detour to the same place. feels like the difference between life and death is nothing more than whether im breathing.
i'm tired. i wish that there were someone who were patient with me. or, i wish i could realize my freedom. the gate is wide open, but i don't see a difference between out there and in here